


speak to me

by emilia_kaisa



Series: it's okay (I know someday I'm gonna be with you) [3]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Feelings Realization, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-27 00:09:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15012407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: He had been sixteen when he looked at his mother and asked 'How will I know that I'm in love?'She had smiled and ruffled his hair.'You will know.'It hurt.





	speak to me

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy, part 3 of my super sad series but *SPOILER* It ends pretty well!  
> Title from "It's ok" by Tom Rosenthal, give it a try!  
> This is fiction, obviously, and English is not my first language (also very obvious haha).  
> Hope you enjoy!  
> (Also there's a long and panicky message at the end, sorry for that :)

 

Yuzuru's body met the ice with a thud, cold and pain seeping into his skin immediately. He gritted his teeth as he got up, frustration radiating from his silhouette.

He was healthy, he was focused. Why was it so difficult?

He took a deep breath and tried again.

 

 

He wasn't ready.

He entered the locker room, his thoughts still at the practice, and he didn't notice him at all.

'Hi.'

Yuzuru dropped his bottle, his heart picking up. Javi smiled at him from a bench, his eyes gentle.

'Javi.' he hated how weak he sounded 'You here.'

'I still have Europeans to prepare for.'

He sounded so normal and it felt so, so wrong.

_Why don't you hate me?_

It hit him. Europeans.

Yuzuru knew, obviously. Javier had said it before, everyone was repeating that all the time, but only now it felt real, in the locker room they were sharing for so long. Suddenly it dawned on him that in a few months Javi would empty his locker and walk away from Yuzuru's life. And maybe they would never see each other again.

'Hey, you okay?' Javi stood up and made a careful step in his direction, his hand jerking in a manner that told Yuzuru he wanted to touch him. Always so caring, always so kind.

_I wish you hated me._

He left without a word.

 

 

'You need to focus, Yuzuru.'

'I'm sorry, coach.'

'Is there something wrong? Do you need-'

'No, sorry. It's personal.'

'Well it clearly affects your skating, so you really should try to solve it.'

 _I did it_ Yuzuru thought bitterly, gritting his teeth _I sacrifaced so much. I put everything aside._

_I pushed him away._

Maybe it wasn't enough.

 

 

They shared the ice two, sometimes three times a week. They were civil, greeting each other and sometimes doing some small talk for Brian's sake. After their short meeting in the locker room Yuzuru tried to stay away and Javi respected that, but his training sessions still were so far away from perfect.

He fell on a quad sal once again, hitting the ice painfully. He lay there for a moment, swallowing scream of frustration raising in his throat. Then he heard a sound of blades right next to him.

'Come on.'

Javi extended his hand and Yuzuru took it without a second thought.

It was like a punch to a stomach.

_When I touched you last time, I kissed you._

Javi's fingers squeezed his hand gently and in that short, horrible moment Yuzuru understood everything.

He had been so wrong.

He couldn't breathe.

'Sorry.' he mumbled through his clenched throat. He pulled back, almost tumbling down, and skated away quickly, his chest burning 'Sorry, need a break.' he said to confused Brian before rushing out.

_You stupid, stupid fool._

 

He had been so sure he had to choose. That he would always have to put skating first, above everything and everyone, including Javi.

Yuzuru closed his eyes as the memories hit him, Javi's soft voice and warmth of his fingers on Yuzuru's cheek. Touch of his lips and broken stars in his eyes when Yuzuru had shattered his hopes.

He had believed that he couldn't have both of them, Javi and skating.

Now he knew that he needed them both. In the end, he couldn't do it without him.

But now, he would have to.

 

'I knew you'd be here.'

Yuzuru was hiding in the showers, his back pressed to the wall. Javi kneeled down next to him, his eyes searching 'You gave us all a scare. What's happening?'

_Always so kind, always so gentle._

_I'm so sorry._

'Why don't you hate me?' Yuzuru asked quietly, his voice cracking. Javi blinked and then his face crumpled.

'I could never hate you.'

_Oh._

Javi sighed and sat down next to Yuzuru.

'It's not your fault. It is how it is.' he gave him a small, pained smile.

 _I was so wrong_ Yuzuru wanted to say _I was stupid. Please, give me a chance. I can't do it without you. Please._

'I'm sorry.' it was all he could say, but Javi was already on his feet, halfway out the door.

'I tell Brian you'll be there soon.'

He left, leaving Yuzuru with a bitter thought that he never deserved him anyway.

 

 

He had been sixteen when he looked at his mother and asked 'How will I know that I'm in love?'

She had smiled and ruffled his hair.

'You will know.'

It hurt.

 

 

He tried to ignore that, once again.

It felt like he didn't have a right to do anything, to want more, to confess. Maybe Javi already moved on, maybe he didn't want it anymore. He would leave in a few months anyway.

He should just let him be, leave him alone. But there was one thing that people didn't see in Yuzuru, but it was there, circling in his veins. Because the truth was that he was selfish. His selfish desire to be the best had made him push Javi away, and now the same selfishness was whispering into his ear.

_Don't do it. Let him forget about it._

He knocked to Javi's door and he didn't have to wait long for him to open.

'Yuzuru? What are you doing here?'

He looked so soft, barefoot and in that dingy grey t-shirt he would take on every competition. It hurt, looking at him.

'Can we talk?'

A moment later they were standing in Javi's living room and Yuzuru remembered the only time he had been there before, a few years back. He didn't even remember what was the purpose of the visit.

'You want something to drink?' Javi didn't wait for the answer, already turning away, his hands reaching for a jug of water.

_He's over you already._

He tried anyway.

'I made mistake.'

There was a harsh sound of glass meeting glass and Javi's sharp inhale, and Yuzuru knew that he understood.

'With you.'

Javi turned around to look at him, his face pale and eyes wide open, and Yuzuru swallowed hard. He wanted to tell him so much. How sorry he was. How much it hurt. He wanted to tell him about that frightening, overwhelming feeling deep in his chest, so big Yuzuru was scared his body wouldn't hold it all. But suddenly it felt as if he was frozen, paralyzed by Javi's gaze.

'What- what are you saying?' his voice was quiet and strangled, his fists clenching.

_Don't, don't, he doesn't deserve to suffer because of you again._

'I'm sorry. I'll go.'

He didn't even had a chance to take a step back because Javi was suddenly next to him, his fingers firm around Yuzuru's wrist.

'Don't.' Javi's voice was harsh and trembling 'Don't do this again.'

Yuzuru thought about that night in a hotel hallway in Boston, when Javi had looked at him with such unbearable softness it was obvious what he wanted. But Yuzuru had walked away; and now he was standing in Javi's living room, cold fingers around his wrist, his heart pounding, and there was no way to express what he was feeling. He swallowed hard, his hand coming to touch Javi's face, carefully, tentatively, not sure if that gesture was welcomed.

Javi inhaled sharply, as if it caused him pain, and Yuzuru's heart dropped.

'Talk to me.' Javi said quietly, his voice on the edge 'Please.'

Yuzuru couldn't look him in the eyes anymore, so he let his hand fall, his gaze dropping to the floor.

'I wish I had a second chance.'

The silence lasted for eternity, and the only thing he could hear was his heartbeat and Javi's ragged breathing. It became unbearable and Yuzuru would do anything to hear Javi say something, anything, even if it was rejection, because even thatwould be better than that horrible uncertainty.

But then there was a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer, and just like that he was surrounded by Javi's warmth, his heart beating fast against Yuzuru's cheek.

'Okay.' Javi whispered into his hair and Yuzuru felt sob growing in his throat, because it didn't feel real and he wouldn't stand it if it was some wicked dream. But then Javi pulled him even closer, his lips pressing lightly against Yuzuru's temple. 'Just don't make me leave again.'

Yuzuru wrapped his arms around Javi's shoulders, and suddenly nothing had ever felt more real.

'I won't.'

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Like it? Hate it? Let me know!
> 
> Also one more thing guys! There's this weirds copyright law thing going in the UE and there's a possibility that I might not be able to use this site soon? I'm not really sure, but that's what I've read in a few places and I started panicking a little bit haha. I've a few WIPs in many fandoms, not only rpf, so I figured I'd ask you for help. So I'm kinda looking for someone who lives outside the EU and could be like an agent between me and this site? Like, uploading chapters and works written by me, maybe send me some good fanfiction from time to time :D Maybe there will be no need to do that, but you can never know what politicians will come up with. There are some people here who like my works and I don't want to leave them hanging because some stupid laws.  
> So, umm, sorry for that rant, maybe there won't be a need to do that after all, but better safe than sorry, right? Anyway, I'm on [tumblr](https://whydidyouflyaway.tumblr.com), so if you'd like to talk I'm here (as long as they don't ban it too) :D


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